34 Scripts and Ideas for Getting Back at Telemarketers
Posted by Stan at 11/28/2007 5:04 PM and is filed under uncategorized 
The Federal Trade Commission has just slapped Do Not Call Registry offenders with $7.7 million worth of penalties. With a figure like that, it's clear that telemarketers are finding that boundaries are a problem. But that doesn't mean you have to take their abuse — fight back using these 34 tools and tactics.
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This is just one of them
read more | digg story
This is just one of them
| 1. Use a husky, dirty phone sex voice but
ask normal questions about the proposed offer. “Is it a low interest rate? mmmmm…I like low interest rates…really low…” |
| 2. In an outrageously excited
tone: “Thank god you called!!!” Explain
that an online psychic told you that your future lover would randomly call
disguised as an asshole. |
| 3. Say you are hard of hearing and see how
loud they will shout into the phone. |
| 4. Allow the telemarketer to fully explain
his offer. When he is finished explain that his company hired you to randomly
spot check telemarketers on their performance. Tell him that he did a good
job overall, but that he is a bit monotone and needs to fluctuate his tone
of voice more to sound convincing. He also should pause longer between sentences,
and more clearly pronounce the letter “s”. Tell him you won’t
report him if he repeats his speech to you with the appropriate corrections.
Repeat. |
| 5. Be incredibly polite as they explain
their offer, but make farting noises once in a while and ask whether there
is something wrong with the connection. |
| 6. In an annoyed tone cut the telemarketer
off mid sentence : “Dan, stop screwing around…we have to get
rid of this body fast, did you find a chainsaw or not?” |
| 7. “Congratulations!
You’re the 100th caller on the (insert local radio station) Sweet
Vacation Giveaway Blast Marathon. You’ve just won a pair of tickets
to Negril, Jamaica and the use of Sean Paul’s celebrity vacation house.”
Take down her address and send her all of your L.L.Bean catalogues for the
rest of your life...after you use them as liner for your cat’s litter
box. |
| 8. Flirt. |
| 9. Keep repeating, “I
knew you were going to say that…” |
| 10. Stutter on a syllable of an obvious
word in a sentence… see how long it takes before he completes the
phrase. When he does, get upset, and say “That
really hurts my fee…fee… fee… fee…feel…fee…
fee… fee…” ad infinitum. |
| 11. Pee on the phone while he’s talking. |
| 12. Mid pitch, stop him and complement him
on his wonderful voice. Explain that you are a voiceover scout and might
have a breakthrough commercial job for him. Ask if he wouldn’t mind
doing a quick test. Ask him to say in a deep husky voice “May
cause dizziness, diarrhea, vomiting and shortness of breath. A small number
of participants in a recent clinical trial experienced weight loss, irregular
clotting, abnormally frequent and/or painful urination and hair loss. Results
may vary” |
| 13. Ask how much it would take to get him
to stop working as a telemarketer. Start at $1000. Say you are dead serious. |
| 14. Ask if he will be your friend if you
sign up. |
| 15. Tie obscure facts about Barbara Streisand
to everything thing he says,, “2.3% interest rate?
oh my…did you know Barbara was 23 when she filmed Funny Girl…” |
| 16. Every few minutes repeat, “You’re
going to have to bear with me, I have a slight short term memory loss problem…who
is this again?” |
| 17. “Oh my god,
I used to have your job…does Bob still work there (repeat names until
you find a match)…which building are you in?” Escalate
coincidence until you both realize that you sat in the same chair. Explain
that you had to quit work when your genitals mysteriously vanished. |
| 18. Regardless of the offer tell him you’ll
take 7. If he asks what you mean say he drives a hard bargain and you’ll
take 9, but that’s as far as you’ll go. |
| 19. Every half-minute ask him to hold and
pretend to scream at your invalid mother. “You want to use the
bathroom??? Well stop whining and get up out of the wheelchair for a change.
You just sit there and think about that for a while, mother. Can’t
you see I’m on the damn phone?” |
| 20. Forgive him. Tell him you did. Over and over again, until he hangs up. Then secretly take it back. |
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